The 9-Pound Difference

In my last post I stated that I had gained 9 pounds, and I started gaining it since early May. I suppose that’s not completely horrible but I still would have liked to not gained anything, and instead lost! But I cannot change what has already happened, so I’ve been working hard to pick myself back up and get back on the wagon!

A problem I have is that, when I fall off the health wagon, it’s extremely hard to just jump back on it. I can’t switch old habits off overnight.

I’ve mentioned in a few older posts that I eat healthy and exercise and do GREAT for a few weeks/couple months, then one thing derails me and I get thrown off the wagon. When this happens I typically gain weight back. But this time I feel like I’ve been off track for a while and it’s frustrating. I’ve gotten better about not making excuses, but I feel like since I don’t have a set routine I suck at eating healthier. Yes that’s a lame excuse, but it’s just the way that I am and something I’ve tried working on. I am someone who thrives in a routine and will succeed. But being job-less for the moment leaves my days open ended, which can mean binges or not the healthiest choices.

One thing I’ve been so upset about is how much of a difference 9 pounds makes. You would think it wouldn’t, but I cannot fit into some of my size 16 shorts, most of which I bought before moving here and before I re-gained the weight. These are shorts that used to slide on without having to unbutton them, and now I can’t even button them or they can’t fit over my ass! It’s just sad on a few levels but it’s the push I need to start losing again.

I am also a stress eater, which is NOT good. I wish I had more willpower, and I know that I can do it if I really set my mind to it, but my willpower is zero. My  boyfriend joked about this with me the other day. We went to the grocery store, and anytime I saw donuts or cookies or ice cream I would whine over it and was literally drooling. Then if he saw something that looked good, he said, “Oh, that looks good,” and would walk away without a second thought!

Along with calorie counting, I started measuring food again, which possibly makes my boyfriend think I’m crazy. I could be, who knows. But last time I measured food is how I lost 30 pounds in a relatively short amount of time and so I know it’s effective. It’s just making those little changes in my life that will change my life.

I’ve also been reconsidering a lot of things in my life lately. Some are exciting yet also scary. I will post on this later…

New challenges, New life!

Hello, friends!

First, I need to apologize for being the worst blogger ever! Despite my lack of posts, I’ve somehow gained followers which is mind blowing! So THANK YOU for following along!

I actually have updates to share, woo hoo!

At the beginning of June, I moved down to Louisiana with my AMAZING boyfriend! He flew up to Maine to meet my parents (it actually went well, whew!) and to drive my car down. The trip down was fun; we talked the whole time and ate bad food. Well, considering what we could’ve eaten, we actually were pretty tame! We didn’t have fast food once but we did frequent Cracker Barrel which is SUCH a weakness of ours.

This isn’t really an update, but can I just say how AMAZING it is to be in a supportive relationship? A relationship where it’s not constant arguing and you’re constantly trying to please the other person? I feel like I did 8 360’s with this boyfriend. In my old relationship if I were to say, “Let’s start eating better!” I would hear whining and bitching and moaning and complaints. When I suggested it to my current boyfriend, I got an enthusiastic, “Yeah! Let’s start cooking dinner and going shopping for healthy stuff. When I get off work we can walk together and maybe start running again.” Just WOW. Total, complete support.

Since moving I haven’t found a job yet, which is SO frustrating. Job hunting is a job within itself. I hate seeing my bank account dwindle down because I have bills to pay, and it stresses me out a lot. And here’s where my supportive boyfriend comes in….. he is really great and patient with me. He understands how tough the job market is, and how difficult things can be. Thankfully he makes enough money to where I wouldn’t even have to work, but I’m too proud to accept his money, and I never would. He has offered to help with my bills, and has offered to give me money to go have dinner with friends. But I’m just not the kind of person to accept his money. That’s not me. I love him for being like that, because in my last relationship I was ALWAYS the money-giver and its annoying. It made me really resentful of my last boyfriend, so that’s probably a good reason I would never accept his money.

But besides that… let’s talk about: weight.

Yes, I have gained weight.

Yes, it sucks.

But honestly I’m surprised I haven’t gained more. I am really worried about gaining anything else, because I guess as someone who formerly weighed 255 pounds and worked my ass off to reach 205, I don’t EVER want to be back there again. That’s a feeling that someone whose never been overweight cannot understand, so when I talk to my normal-sized friends about gaining weight they always tell me I look fine or whatever. But it’s not fine, it’s not fine to be so overweight.

For the record, I weigh around 214, which is a 9 pound gain since 205. It’s not enormous but it’s enough to scare me back into a health swing. I ate relatively decent last week with the exception of the weekend, and this week I’m back to counting calories (so far, so good!) So I’ll be back to tracking that.

It’s really hard to shop for cheap, healthy foods here. I don’t know what the deal is, honestly. I’ve been to about 3 different supermarkets and cannot find ground turkey. And the healthy foods I’ve seen are more expensive than they were in Maine. Also the nearest gym is 28 miles from my house. That is insane. I should have been prepared for these challenges going from a health-obsessed Northern state to a rural, Southern state. I’m not trying to be stereotypical or whatever but that has been my experience thus far. When I get into Baton Rouge, which is a huge city, there are plenty of gyms and more healthy food options. But I’m not driving 45 minutes for a gym.

Anywho, seeing the number on the scale has really woken me back up. I cannot go back to being that 255-pound girl. Even the thought makes me cringe. Those feelings I encountered when I was bigger are enough to get my ass into gear. Someone who has never been overweight cannot identify with those feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment, being uncomfortable, etc. except in a different context. But at the same time I am so satisfied and happy with my new life and relationship that my new challenge is finding the balance!

"Why are you eating that?! Oh my god you’re going to ruin your whole diet and gain back the weight you lost."

"You haven’t been to the gym in so long and you used to try and go every day, wow you are slacking. Don’t gain back the weight!"

"You had a brownie for a breakfast?! What is your life…"

These are just some of the comments I hear every day. Yes, lately I have been off the wagon and not eating as healthy as I can and no, I haven’t been exercising. 

It’s not that I’m lazy or have lost motivation, it’s just, well…. I’M LIVING MY LIFE.

No one is going to be perfect. We all have bad days. We all have days where we eat 3500 calories and drink too much wine and lay on the couch for 6 hours straight. That means I’M HUMAN. 

The comments don’t really bother me. I’m losing weight for me and no one else. But people seem to make my weight loss their personal business and act shocked or disgusting or surprised when I’m not 100% perfect. And it’s weird because I have accepted that I’m never going to be 100%. Ever.

I am human. I will always want brownies and sugar and wine and pizza. But for the last few months I have been really strict and just feel like I need a break. The good news here is that I have maintained my weight and haven’t gained anything. 

If someone can eat junk while maintaining control and not going overboard, I don’t see why others feel the need to comment or judge. Like, I’m just living. Let me live…. with pizza.

This past week has been hard. No, nothing bad has happened, it has just been hard to stay committed to eating healthy and working out. Confession: I haven’t been to the gym in nearly 2 weeks and haven’t logged calories in probably 4-5 days.

I haven’t been eating horribly, I’m eating at a maintenance level I would guess. Like the other night we had Chinese food for dinner but I had a really healthy breakfast and lunch. And yesterday I just could NOT stop eating. I ate about 7 cookies, Taco Bell, 12 ounces of wine, chocolate, and more.

Doing this every once in a while is fine so I’m not worried about it, plus my weight has stayed the same (despite it being my “lady time” of the month) so that is great. As females I think we ALL know that feeling of craving everything during that one week of the month, so I just eat whatever I’m craving otherwise I will all out binge and then feel horrible.

I really wanted to lose 5 more pounds before heading to Louisiana on May 16, but now I’m going on April 30 so I don’t think that will happen! It’s doable, but the way my diet has been I’m not optimistic. Good thing this boy man I’m visiting loves me and everything about me, and tells me 800 times a day how beautiful I am. Actually he says, “There isn’t even a word to describe how beautiful you are…. I need to look through the dictionary to find one.” And he is being dead serious. Like, how did I EVER find this guy?! It blows my mind how lucky I am.

We have been discussing me moving in with him, moving 1700 miles from home and leaving everything. I would do that for him, like 500% would do it. He has been really into losing weight and becoming healthier, and it’s such a change from my last relationship where my ex would buy us boxes of snack cakes and Mountain Dew and we would eat them in one sitting. I just feel so uplifted and supported in this relationship, and it’s a wonderful feeling; something I have (sadly) never felt in a relationship.

Oh, and something else that happened last week: my bank information was stolen! So I had to order a new debit card, wait for it to come in, then had to wait for my PIN Number to arrive separately, so I’ve been stranded without money for a while. Not that it’s an excuse for eating poorly, but I ran out of a lot of my healthy staples and had to improvise, which is difficult for someone who is really into planning their meals and pre-counting calories for the day. I’m just so happy to have my plastic back and am actually looking forward to doing a huge grocery haul today!

205

Yes. I’m at 205 pounds. Excuse me while I FREAK THE FUCK OUT. 

I haven’t been this weight since probably my junior year of college, the year that I gained everything and became huge.

When I first weighed myself and saw 205 the other morning, I literally had to step on and off the scale a few times. Then I waited another day to record it to make sure the number stuck. And it did! I cannot believe with 6 more pounds lost I’ll have reached ONEderland

I have felt so amazing the past few weeks. About 5 days ago I decided to open up some boxes of stored clothes - ones that I love and have been holding onto in the hopes that I’d fit into them again at some point. I was so nervous as I pulled each item out and examined it. It took me a while to decide whether or not I should try them on. These are clothes that haven’t fit me for 2-3 years, and even though I’ve lost 45 pounds, I wasn’t sure if they would fit or not. 

So I pulled on my favorite pair of old shorts. THEY FIT. Then I tried another pair… they fit, too! And so did a few amazing shirts and a cute romper, and it was the best feeling! Even this morning I was looking for something to wear to work, and I decided I would maybe try a pair of jeans I haven’t worn in 3 years and they were a little loose!

My diet has also been on point lately, except for the damn weekends. Usually I still stay within my daily calories on Fridays, but today I decided to indulge a bit more and have some chocolate, 2 pop tarts, and wine. I’m all about moderation and cannot imagine being 110% strict on myself and never allowing myself to eat anything sugary. It just means that tomorrow I’ll push myself a bit harder at the gym and eat a bit lighter. I feel soooo thirsty due to pizza/sodium overload, so I’m trying to chug some water and hoping I won’t be up all night going pee.

Also, guys…. I’m in love. It completely took me by surprise. He is everything I have ever wanted or needed. We are perfect for each other; we just aren’t in the perfect situation. We live 1700 miles away (we met when I was in New Orleans in March) from one another, and I just crave being with him. We talk 24/7 but it never feels like enough. And he is just a real man, something I have never had the pleasure of dating. I always date stupid boys but he is so different. But thats enough on that. 

Except that I’m visiting him May 16-20 and would really like to lose another 10 pounds before that time. So that’s my goal from now until then!

Oh, and here are some before and after photos. It was hard to find a good before shot. I took the after shots at the gym about 2 days ago. In the before picture I’m probably around 240, and in the after I’m 205.

Today I’m going to force myself into the gym. Lately I have only been going on my days off (2 days per week, one of which is today) or when I go into work late, and thats bullshit.

I need to get better about exercising. It makes me feel soooo amazing but once I stop its hard to get back into that routine. Especially after working on my feet for 10 hours. But enough excuses!

I am visiting some friends in May (and a guy that I like so much, oh my gah) and want to have made some progress in that time. The last time I was in New Orleans in February, I was 10 pounds heavier than I am now! So I want to be down another 10 pounds.

My diet also hasn’t been the best lately. I’m all into moderation, but lately its just been too much and I know I’ve been overboard with pizza and dessert and whatnot. Usually I do one day where I have an unhealthy dinner  but I feel like I’ve done that 3 times this week even though I’ve stayed within my calories.

So after I have my breakfast (?) I’m hitting the gym. No excuses!

exhistur:

I wonder if anyone ever looks at me while I’m doing something and thinks I’m pretty. Because I do that all the time to people. 

Non-scale victories are something I have been really focusing on lately. In layman’s terms, a “non-scale victory” is a victory that has nothing to do with the number on the scale, but the little indicators in your every day life that show how your new, healthier life is impacting you.
Here are some non-scale victories I’ve had lately:
When I zip my favorite fleece jacket, it no longer looks like I’m going to bulge out of it, but it looks a normal size for my body. 
Every time I workout now, instead of aiming for only 30 minutes, I up my workout by a few minutes each time. Now I’m up to 45 in only about 1.5 weeks!
I can pull on/off my size 18 jeans without unzipping or unbuttoning them.
I bought a really cute lingerie set a few months ago, but it was too tight. I put it on last night and it fit almost perfect!
My back and feet hurt less.
I can more easily cross my legs.
A few months ago I went to Taco Bell literally 4 days out of the week… that is disgusting! I had it for the first time in about a month the day other, and it WAS good, but I cannot believe how much I used to eat it! And how many calories I was consuming. Ugh.
I hope no one thinks this is a negative, but I’m finding bones everywhere! Like my hip bones, cheekbones, and collar bones are becoming really apparent… where have THOSE been hiding?!?!
My cravings for junk are basically gone. Just gone. So my taste buds are really changing and craving healthier foods.
What are some of your non-scale victories?

Non-scale victories are something I have been really focusing on lately. In layman’s terms, a “non-scale victory” is a victory that has nothing to do with the number on the scale, but the little indicators in your every day life that show how your new, healthier life is impacting you.

Here are some non-scale victories I’ve had lately:

  • When I zip my favorite fleece jacket, it no longer looks like I’m going to bulge out of it, but it looks a normal size for my body. 
  • Every time I workout now, instead of aiming for only 30 minutes, I up my workout by a few minutes each time. Now I’m up to 45 in only about 1.5 weeks!
  • I can pull on/off my size 18 jeans without unzipping or unbuttoning them.
  • I bought a really cute lingerie set a few months ago, but it was too tight. I put it on last night and it fit almost perfect!
  • My back and feet hurt less.
  • I can more easily cross my legs.
  • A few months ago I went to Taco Bell literally 4 days out of the week… that is disgusting! I had it for the first time in about a month the day other, and it WAS good, but I cannot believe how much I used to eat it! And how many calories I was consuming. Ugh.
  • I hope no one thinks this is a negative, but I’m finding bones everywhere! Like my hip bones, cheekbones, and collar bones are becoming really apparent… where have THOSE been hiding?!?!
  • My cravings for junk are basically gone. Just gone. So my taste buds are really changing and craving healthier foods.

What are some of your non-scale victories?

beachyrunner:

I’m standing outside the gym eating a kit kat.

I know you know where I’m coming from.